Dupont Circle – After knocking back a couple of old-fashioneds, 22-year old intern Alex Basser gave strangers an account of his new job. However, he neglected to mention that his actual job title ends with “intern”, effectively giving himself a promotion to the real-job version of his internship.
Basser announced the promotion shortly after 9:00 PM east coast time on Thursday, unbeknownst to human resource managers at Optimum Investments who continue to refer to the recent George Mason University graduate as “the intern”.
“I’m a market analyst at Optimum Investments,” said the visibly buzzed intern to bar companions, making no reference to the unpaid and short-term nature of his employment. Reports indicate that Basser essentially told people he has his boss’s job.
Basser braced himself when his friends, who are aware of his frantic search for another internship, showed up at the bar. He hoped his friends would not discuss work, forgetting he is in D.C.
Navy Yard – A Pentagon spokesperson confirmed today an area dad was not happy to discover that a basketball, a bicycle and, for some reason, a hockey stick were left in Navy Yard overnight.
The toys were left in Navy Yard following a play date hosted by the dad’s son. The play date lasted until well after dark.
The area dad reportedly discovered the toys early Tuesday morning when leaving to go to work. “I spend a lot of my weekend making sure Navy Yard looks nice. I don’t have a problem with my son playing in it, but I do expect him to clean up after himself when he’s done,” said the dad to reporters.
Tensions strained further when the dad discovered the Navy Garage light was left on all night. “I swear I am the only one who shuts off the lights in Navy House,” the dad said.
Sources close to the situation report the dad’s family was surprised to see dad return through Navy Foyer and enter Navy Kitchen after leaving for work. “Who left their things in Navy Yard and left Navy Garage light on all night?” asked dad, knowing full well who the culprit was. “Was it you, son? What have I told you about cleaning up?”
A source speaking anonymously said she’s been married to the area dad for twenty five years and knows he can sometimes blow up over small things like this, but it’s only to teach their son to look after his things.
At press time, the dad had returned home from work but was opening an investigation to identify who left a half-filled soda can in Navy Living Room.
Sibley Memorial Hospital – Making his way through the busy waiting room, he approached the frantic, yet disciplined operating suites in the back of Washington’s Sibley Memorial Hospital’s emergency room. Clad in an ordinary t-shirt and ball cap, the man … Continue reading →