NOVA Student Becomes Homeless

McLean, Virginia – Around 8:30PM on Friday, Chad Malloy decided to become homeless. “It just felt like the right time,” Malloy explained in an exclusive interview. “I see homeless people near Ultra Bar all the time, and like, I just wanted to feel what it was like.” Malloy, a recent graduate of Langley High School, made the decision to go homeless after some celebratory molly and prosecco with his fellow seniors.

Malloy started his journey to homelessness with a trip to REI. “I call it Really Expensive Ish,” he quipped.  His parents had everything he needed, but he wanted to “do this on his own.” Receipts show  he charged all of his purchases to his [American Express] black card.

The first night on the streets was harder than Malloy anticipated. “I couldn’t even find a spot to park my Range Rover,” he exclaimed in frustration. “There were no peasants to valet park it.”

Malloy had a look of disgust on his face as he recalled his first encounter with a fellow homeless man: “I walked up to him and asked if he’d heard of me and explained that my parents own Malloy’s Burger Joint in Ocean City. He just asked how he could help me.” After posing for a few selfies, Chad decided homeless life wasn’t for him; “I wanted to make it through the night, but I just couldn’t do it. I mean, they didn’t even bat an eye when I told them I live next to Dick Cheney.”

After less than 2 hours of being homeless, Chad was sleeping in the comfort of his own bed. At the end of the interview Chad showed reporters the “#TBT” selfie he’d posted on Instagram, which showed Malloy throwing up the deuce with a man in a blue, button covered vest. The Wal-Mart employee could not be reached for comment.


Exposed Brick Shortage Plagues D.C.

Washington, D.C. – Waking up to passé plastered and wallpapered surroundings, the District’s residents realized over the weekend they are facing a massive exposed brick shortage. The Mayor’s Office declared a state of emergency late Sunday night.

“The severity of the shortage necessitates the declaration of a state of emergency”, said City Council Administrator Alan Satler. “Doing so will allow emergency workers to respond as expeditiously as possible, supplying residents’ kitchens and living rooms with the stylish, rustic decor.”

Still, nearly 50,000 residents are without access, leaving local and federal agencies scrambling to find an adequate supply of the wall type.

“Fortunately, we’ve experienced a generous outpouring of support from across the nation,” said Federal Emergency Management Agency Spokesperson Ellie Malcolm. “The New York and California State National Guards have coordinated a massive airlift, working around-the-clock to fly in exposed brick from Brooklyn and San Francisco.”

City officials set up emergency relief centers around the city, providing residents access to the city’s exposed brick reserve. A relief worker described setting up temporary kitchens in front of exposed brick walls, which residents can use to entertain guests.

Researchers and activists, who have long warned of the crisis, hope it will impel lawmakers and residents to take action.

“The crisis is finally here. If we want our children and our children’s children to have the opportunity to take a filtered Instagram picture of a cast-iron skillet hanging against an exposed brick wall, we need to act now,” said exposed brick activist Ian Grant.

Experts warn that the District’s supply of exposed brick could run out by 2025, if drastic policy changes aren’t implemented. A depletion of the resource would leave countless lofts and studio apartments without the quietly industrial, yet modern look.

Intern Gives Himself Promotion After Two Drinks

Dupont Circle – After knocking back a couple of old-fashioneds, 22-year old intern Alex Basser gave strangers an account of his new job. However, he neglected to mention that his actual job title ends with “intern”, effectively giving himself a promotion to the real-job version of his internship.

Basser announced the promotion shortly after 9:00 PM east coast time on Thursday, unbeknownst to human resource managers at Optimum Investments who continue to refer to the recent George Mason University graduate as “the intern”.

“I’m a market analyst at Optimum Investments,” said the visibly buzzed intern to bar companions, making no reference to the unpaid and short-term nature of his employment. Reports indicate that Basser essentially told people he has his boss’s job.

Basser braced himself when his friends, who are aware of his frantic search for another internship, showed up at the bar. He hoped his friends would not discuss work, forgetting he is in D.C.

Dad Upset After Son Leaves Toys In Navy Yard Overnight

Navy Yard – A Pentagon spokesperson confirmed today an area dad was not happy to discover that a basketball, a bicycle and, for some reason, a hockey stick were left in Navy Yard overnight.

The toys were left in Navy Yard following a play date hosted by the dad’s son. The play date lasted until well after dark.

The area dad reportedly discovered the toys early Tuesday morning when leaving to go to work. “I spend a lot of my weekend making sure Navy Yard looks nice. I don’t have a problem with my son playing in it, but I do expect him to clean up after himself when he’s done,” said the dad to reporters.

Tensions strained further when the dad discovered the Navy Garage light was left on all night. “I swear I am the only one who shuts off the lights in Navy House,” the dad said.

Sources close to the situation report the dad’s family was surprised to see dad return through Navy Foyer and enter Navy Kitchen after leaving for work. “Who left their things in Navy Yard and left Navy Garage light on all night?” asked dad, knowing full well who the culprit was. “Was it you, son? What have I told you about cleaning up?”

A source speaking anonymously said she’s been married to the area dad for twenty five years and knows he can sometimes blow up over small things like this, but it’s only to teach their son to look after his things.

At press time, the dad had returned home from work but was opening an investigation to identify who left a half-filled soda can in Navy Living Room.