McLean, Virginia – Around 8:30PM on Friday, Chad Malloy decided to become homeless. “It just felt like the right time,” Malloy explained in an exclusive interview. “I see homeless people near Ultra Bar all the time, and like, I just wanted to feel what it was like.” Malloy, a recent graduate of Langley High School, made the decision to go homeless after some celebratory molly and prosecco with his fellow seniors.
Malloy started his journey to homelessness with a trip to REI. “I call it Really Expensive Ish,” he quipped. His parents had everything he needed, but he wanted to “do this on his own.” Receipts show he charged all of his purchases to his [American Express] black card.
The first night on the streets was harder than Malloy anticipated. “I couldn’t even find a spot to park my Range Rover,” he exclaimed in frustration. “There were no peasants to valet park it.”
Malloy had a look of disgust on his face as he recalled his first encounter with a fellow homeless man: “I walked up to him and asked if he’d heard of me and explained that my parents own Malloy’s Burger Joint in Ocean City. He just asked how he could help me.” After posing for a few selfies, Chad decided homeless life wasn’t for him; “I wanted to make it through the night, but I just couldn’t do it. I mean, they didn’t even bat an eye when I told them I live next to Dick Cheney.”
After less than 2 hours of being homeless, Chad was sleeping in the comfort of his own bed. At the end of the interview Chad showed reporters the “#TBT” selfie he’d posted on Instagram, which showed Malloy throwing up the deuce with a man in a blue, button covered vest. The Wal-Mart employee could not be reached for comment.