Exposed Brick Shortage Plagues D.C.

Washington, D.C. – Waking up to passé plastered and wallpapered surroundings, the District’s residents realized over the weekend they are facing a massive exposed brick shortage. The Mayor’s Office declared a state of emergency late Sunday night.

“The severity of the shortage necessitates the declaration of a state of emergency”, said City Council Administrator Alan Satler. “Doing so will allow emergency workers to respond as expeditiously as possible, supplying residents’ kitchens and living rooms with the stylish, rustic decor.”

Still, nearly 50,000 residents are without access, leaving local and federal agencies scrambling to find an adequate supply of the wall type.

“Fortunately, we’ve experienced a generous outpouring of support from across the nation,” said Federal Emergency Management Agency Spokesperson Ellie Malcolm. “The New York and California State National Guards have coordinated a massive airlift, working around-the-clock to fly in exposed brick from Brooklyn and San Francisco.”

City officials set up emergency relief centers around the city, providing residents access to the city’s exposed brick reserve. A relief worker described setting up temporary kitchens in front of exposed brick walls, which residents can use to entertain guests.

Researchers and activists, who have long warned of the crisis, hope it will impel lawmakers and residents to take action.

“The crisis is finally here. If we want our children and our children’s children to have the opportunity to take a filtered Instagram picture of a cast-iron skillet hanging against an exposed brick wall, we need to act now,” said exposed brick activist Ian Grant.

Experts warn that the District’s supply of exposed brick could run out by 2025, if drastic policy changes aren’t implemented. A depletion of the resource would leave countless lofts and studio apartments without the quietly industrial, yet modern look.